2017

Entering 2017 battered and broken.

Luckily I’m surrounded by my loud and boisterous family, that keeps me from crying at least.

A friend had said, my liking had became a bad habit. Waiting and trying to catch his attention which had proven futile over the years.

And a bad habit MUST be removed. No matter how painful the process is.

So, I ended up confessing for the second and last time to the same person. I did not wait for a reply, I had known the answer anyway.

I told him not to reply. It’s embarrassing enough to confess to the same person twice, it’s even more humiliating to read a rejection for the second time.

So, I blocked him on all social medias. This way, I won’t be able to wait and hope someday somehow he will notice me, because he will not be able to see any of my posts again.

This is the end.

Hello 2017.

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Jealousy

Watching those lovebirds made me miss you even more tonight. Sigh. As silly and childish as it may seem, I do miss you, wanting to know how your life is going.

It’s been six months since I last saw any of your updates, well except the one where you lost your patient(I hope you are fine now). Sometimes, I totally forgot about you. Sometimes, I wonder how is it going over there. And sometimes I just missed you, like today.

I watched a kdrama nowadays called Jealousy Incarnate. The female lead once had 3 years long crush on the male lead. When she had moved on, it’s his turn to realized he had fell in love with her, starting his own one-sided love.

If my life is a kdrama, I would be a minor character, probably a convenient store cashier or a part-timer in a coffee shop where the male lead is a regular, having a crush on him which will never have any chance to be reciprocated.

I’m jealous of her, that woman. Pyo Na-ri.

38 days till home after a year and 22 days

1. I haven’t started packing my stuffs. They are collecting the boxes this Sunday for shipment. Mak told me to just give all the clothes and books to Geetha. Nooooo! I LAFF MY BOOKS! Plus it’s not THAT many. I have brought back all those heavy, hardcover textbooks last time I went home and when my parents were here. The books I have here can fit a medium sized box (about the size of a microwave oven). There are friends whom have mountains of books. Mine is considered featherweight yunno.

2. My drama slump is in a critical condition. It’s on life support machine. Teet..teet..teet..teet..

3. I think my myopia has worsened. My eye strains even when I put my specs on. I had tear duct infection 2 weeks ago. The ophthalmologist put me on antibiotics for 3 days. I need to visit an optometrist today.

4. I have 16 days of extension in PHD department. I can either die of boredom or breaking my neck while trying to sleep in various uncomfortable positions.

5. The girls in front of me are discussing about makeup products.

6. I have multiple plans in my head on what to do during the upcoming long vacation. I want to do something, anything that can keep me busy. I want to enroll in sewing class. I want to work at tuition centre. I want to apply for a research assistant position at any university (even though my qualification is not suitable). But.. but.. working will not give me a flexible time, I need to help Mak preparing Adik’s upcoming wedding.

Maybe I should just watch Long Vacation instead.

7. My umbrella broke juuuuussst when monsoon is almoooooost over. Sigh. I will not buy a new one. I’ll just pray it’s not raining when I need to be outside.

8. I can’t wait to see my little niece! She was just a year and half the last time I saw her. I’m basically a stranger to her now.

9. I want tempe. I miss tempe.

10. The end.

AADC2 and my major regret

I’ve just finished watching Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2. As a big fan of the first movie, I was really looking forward to watch this. To be honest, it didn’t really live up to my expectations. Or maybe my expectation is a tad too high, based on the lovely first movie. Or maybe I’m just not in the right mood to watch a romance movie. Take your pick. Heh.

I’m disappointed with Rangga’s reason for breaking up with Cinta, it was rather weak, more like an excuse than a real problem. Or lazy writing. That being said, it is still an enjoyable movie, making me want to drop everything and fly to Jogja. Hehe.

At the end of the movie, following a near-death experience, Cinta decided to live without regret; the regret being living a life without Rangga. I’m getting Oh Hae-young Again flashback when watching that scene. It was a recent hit drama with a similar theme(as the AADC2 ending scene, not the whole movie); to live without regret even though the outcome will still be the same-death- the circumstances leading to the death will be different when you have the loved one by your side instead of dying alone.

All these years, I’ve thought I’ve been living without any major regret-well, small regrets such as studied harder or spending more on fashion were inevitable though haha. I was totally wrong. 

My major regret in life is by refusing to let myself to be happy years ago, to let everything go, to not hung up on the obsession. I regret wasting my precious youth on the obsession, on the delusion, on the sadness, on trapping my heart in a rusty, unlocked cage, a cage with an open door.

Till this day, bitterness still occupied a small space in my heart. No matter how much I tried to change my circumstances, I am still running around in a loop, like a carousel. The only difference is the carousel is getting bigger. And slower.

To reach the same spot takes a longer ride.

It is getting better I guess, right?