To love again

Finally it happened.

But to be honest, it is scary to even think about it.

Spending 10 years of my precious youth in unrequited love have tought me something, 

never love more than you love yourself.

I’m older and wiser.

I can differentiate between fantasy and reality.

Between happening in my head and happening in front of me.

Sure, fantasy can bring happiness but it has the limit.

The line has to be drawn early.

Before I fell again in misery.

To have the ability to love again is a bless.

But now I know where the dream ends.

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AADC2 and my major regret

I’ve just finished watching Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2. As a big fan of the first movie, I was really looking forward to watch this. To be honest, it didn’t really live up to my expectations. Or maybe my expectation is a tad too high, based on the lovely first movie. Or maybe I’m just not in the right mood to watch a romance movie. Take your pick. Heh.

I’m disappointed with Rangga’s reason for breaking up with Cinta, it was rather weak, more like an excuse than a real problem. Or lazy writing. That being said, it is still an enjoyable movie, making me want to drop everything and fly to Jogja. Hehe.

At the end of the movie, following a near-death experience, Cinta decided to live without regret; the regret being living a life without Rangga. I’m getting Oh Hae-young Again flashback when watching that scene. It was a recent hit drama with a similar theme(as the AADC2 ending scene, not the whole movie); to live without regret even though the outcome will still be the same-death- the circumstances leading to the death will be different when you have the loved one by your side instead of dying alone.

All these years, I’ve thought I’ve been living without any major regret-well, small regrets such as studied harder or spending more on fashion were inevitable though haha. I was totally wrong. 

My major regret in life is by refusing to let myself to be happy years ago, to let everything go, to not hung up on the obsession. I regret wasting my precious youth on the obsession, on the delusion, on the sadness, on trapping my heart in a rusty, unlocked cage, a cage with an open door.

Till this day, bitterness still occupied a small space in my heart. No matter how much I tried to change my circumstances, I am still running around in a loop, like a carousel. The only difference is the carousel is getting bigger. And slower.

To reach the same spot takes a longer ride.

It is getting better I guess, right?

Coincidence? I wish not

So, one night, last week I was bored to death. I have no mood to watch dramas or reading novels. My favourite websites (Dramabeans junkie here) have no latest updates.

I scrolled Instagram, seeing and wondering why there are so many pretty ladies, why babies are cute, why everyone is getting married, why my crush didn’t update his Insta, if he posts a photo within the next 24 hours he is so gonna marry me hahahahaha you silly that’s totally not gonna happen even if you live for another 1000 years (yeah, I gave up on that idea, getting my heart broken for the last 10 years is enough, I have accepted that he will never return my feeeeelsss).

And yeap, within the next 6 hours or so, he did! I woke up next morning, laughing out loud (real LOL-ing). It was too funny.

So I told the story to my friend during clinic hours while my silly heart secretly wishing the same will happen again in the next 24 hours. And Brain, ever the reasonable one, chided Heart for the nonsense idea, afraid I will ended up feeling down if it doesn’t come true. And that night went as usual, I had forgotten Heart’s wish.

The next day, after my morning rituals, I checked my social medias and there he was, an update on Instagram.

I’m not sure, should I laugh or should I cry? It was too good to be true. I feel like life was playing some kind of cruel joke on me.

I realized this was all useless, this should be over by now, I should have put everything behind on the day he rejected me 6 years ago. My brother had once told me, it’s over once a guy told you he didn’t see you as a woman, he never will.

So, today I have decided to put an end to my 10 years obsession. I unfollowed him on social medias. I may regret this some day but I know I will be okay, like I’d been for the past decade.

And to you, S, if you ever read this post (which I doubt you will), goodbye and live well. I know one day you will be a great doctor.

I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. But life ain’t Notting Hill, and I’m not Anna Scott nor you are the handsome Will Thacker.

So, yeah.

On the first day of 2016

I discovered that I’m not fit to be a Paedodontist. My impatient streaks explodes everytime I’m dealing with kids. I lose my patience easily with kids. (I don’t shout or raise my voice, basically I just give up on them, I just stop trying)

So, it’s better for me to stay far away from kids rather than being that one “evil dentist”.

Shooting stars

I saw meteor shower last night.

In my dream.

It was amazing. Breathtaking. Even if it was just a dream.

Maybe because I saw the early morning sky yesterday, clear and pretty which is unusual these days. I saw a lot of stars, the Orion belt, the only constellation I know.

Since thousands of years, people had been mesmerized by the night sky. It is a shame millions, or maybe billions of humans nowadays were unable to see its beauty, including myself.

Someday, somehow I wish to see Milky Way with my own eyes, for real, not in dreams.