AADC2 and my major regret

I’ve just finished watching Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2. As a big fan of the first movie, I was really looking forward to watch this. To be honest, it didn’t really live up to my expectations. Or maybe my expectation is a tad too high, based on the lovely first movie. Or maybe I’m just not in the right mood to watch a romance movie. Take your pick. Heh.

I’m disappointed with Rangga’s reason for breaking up with Cinta, it was rather weak, more like an excuse than a real problem. Or lazy writing. That being said, it is still an enjoyable movie, making me want to drop everything and fly to Jogja. Hehe.

At the end of the movie, following a near-death experience, Cinta decided to live without regret; the regret being living a life without Rangga. I’m getting Oh Hae-young Again flashback when watching that scene. It was a recent hit drama with a similar theme(as the AADC2 ending scene, not the whole movie); to live without regret even though the outcome will still be the same-death- the circumstances leading to the death will be different when you have the loved one by your side instead of dying alone.

All these years, I’ve thought I’ve been living without any major regret-well, small regrets such as studied harder or spending more on fashion were inevitable though haha. I was totally wrong. 

My major regret in life is by refusing to let myself to be happy years ago, to let everything go, to not hung up on the obsession. I regret wasting my precious youth on the obsession, on the delusion, on the sadness, on trapping my heart in a rusty, unlocked cage, a cage with an open door.

Till this day, bitterness still occupied a small space in my heart. No matter how much I tried to change my circumstances, I am still running around in a loop, like a carousel. The only difference is the carousel is getting bigger. And slower.

To reach the same spot takes a longer ride.

It is getting better I guess, right?

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Coincidence? I wish not

So, one night, last week I was bored to death. I have no mood to watch dramas or reading novels. My favourite websites (Dramabeans junkie here) have no latest updates.

I scrolled Instagram, seeing and wondering why there are so many pretty ladies, why babies are cute, why everyone is getting married, why my crush didn’t update his Insta, if he posts a photo within the next 24 hours he is so gonna marry me hahahahaha you silly that’s totally not gonna happen even if you live for another 1000 years (yeah, I gave up on that idea, getting my heart broken for the last 10 years is enough, I have accepted that he will never return my feeeeelsss).

And yeap, within the next 6 hours or so, he did! I woke up next morning, laughing out loud (real LOL-ing). It was too funny.

So I told the story to my friend during clinic hours while my silly heart secretly wishing the same will happen again in the next 24 hours. And Brain, ever the reasonable one, chided Heart for the nonsense idea, afraid I will ended up feeling down if it doesn’t come true. And that night went as usual, I had forgotten Heart’s wish.

The next day, after my morning rituals, I checked my social medias and there he was, an update on Instagram.

I’m not sure, should I laugh or should I cry? It was too good to be true. I feel like life was playing some kind of cruel joke on me.

I realized this was all useless, this should be over by now, I should have put everything behind on the day he rejected me 6 years ago. My brother had once told me, it’s over once a guy told you he didn’t see you as a woman, he never will.

So, today I have decided to put an end to my 10 years obsession. I unfollowed him on social medias. I may regret this some day but I know I will be okay, like I’d been for the past decade.

And to you, S, if you ever read this post (which I doubt you will), goodbye and live well. I know one day you will be a great doctor.

I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. But life ain’t Notting Hill, and I’m not Anna Scott nor you are the handsome Will Thacker.

So, yeah.

On the first day of 2016

I discovered that I’m not fit to be a Paedodontist. My impatient streaks explodes everytime I’m dealing with kids. I lose my patience easily with kids. (I don’t shout or raise my voice, basically I just give up on them, I just stop trying)

So, it’s better for me to stay far away from kids rather than being that one “evil dentist”.

Shooting stars

I saw meteor shower last night.

In my dream.

It was amazing. Breathtaking. Even if it was just a dream.

Maybe because I saw the early morning sky yesterday, clear and pretty which is unusual these days. I saw a lot of stars, the Orion belt, the only constellation I know.

Since thousands of years, people had been mesmerized by the night sky. It is a shame millions, or maybe billions of humans nowadays were unable to see its beauty, including myself.

Someday, somehow I wish to see Milky Way with my own eyes, for real, not in dreams.

My Jumbo Colouring book

After 3 years of absence, it made a comeback like a pop star.

“It” is what I called as ‘flashes of unplanned and unwanted suicidal thoughts’. It happened a couple of weeks ago for a few times without any warning, popped up in my mind for a split of second. At first I just ignored it, playing as if it is just a glitch in my neurons. But since a few days ago, the symptoms of depressions that I had experienced before started showing again. I started to loss interest in my friends, I forgot to eat regularly and I didn’t feel hungry at all until almost dinner time.

Believe it or not, appetite and hunger are quite a major sign in differentiating between just sadness or a depression, for myself at least. If I’m sad, I’ll eat a lot. But if I’m depressed, I’ll forgot to eat without any reason and wouldn’t feel hungry at all. And even if I eat, my meals consists of junk foods. A lot of salty junk foods. In fact I lost around 5-7kg within less than a month last year due to depression-which a lot, considering my height and weight.

It is actually funny in a depressing sort to see there is actually a pattern to my depression. It always happened around October/November. And I always have a few embarrassing habits around these times that of course I will not disclosed here. Hey, come to think of it, this might be contributed by the fact that my confession was rejected around this time 5 years ago. A-ha! Brilliant evil genius deduction but still stupid emotion at heart. Sigh.

Anyway, I have started colouring therapy to keep myself occupied from those unwanted thoughts. I went to a small grocery store last week and saw this cute 36 shades colouring pencils set(including gold and silver!). So I asked the shop assistant if they have colouring books. Then, there it was, a 100-something pages jumbo colouring book for kids-I don’t care if you called me childish, adult colouring books are freaking expensive.

I brought the book to work and instead of boringly scrolling nothingness on the phone while waiting for patients; I called my current hobby as an art. And in no time, I was totally absorbed in the colouring world. Funnily enough, my co-interns do sometimes asked me if they can do the colouring-even an intern that I barely knew.

I always keep my sanity level in check thus it will not spiralling downwards. It is hard enough to maintain at a socially acceptable level. Sometimes it slips but I’m trying my best to live well.