Mediocre

You know? That feeling when you know you are going to fail no matter what because of your mediocre performance during the interview, when you know you can actually do better but you falter and struggle to answer the question, because you totally misunderstood the question, when she actually asked such a simple question yet you stammer through and through, in front of eight panels and two other candidates?

Regret.

Beggars

I finally found an apartment to stay for the last 6 months here. It was a small room with an attached bathroom and a small kitchen. It was actually a 3-bedroom flat but due to the really weird floor plan(this building is apparently the oldest apartment ever built in the city), the landlord decided to convert it into 2 separate units. The smaller unit is mine and the bigger kitchen, hall and 2 bedroom will be rented by a family.

I told Mak how vast the differences are between my current apartment and that flat. I am basically moving from the poshest apartment in the area to a small, poorly lit room (natural lighting is at the minimum-have to switch on the lamp during the day). And the window freaking opens into the corridor where people can actually see inside the room.

I have to buy a very thick curtain.

And I will never open that window.

But the plus point is that I am going to stay alone! I can do whatever I want with my “sacred” kitchen haha. Under my current financial status, the rent is the cheapest among all the available rooms(other available rooms came with a housemate though which, NO).

The main thing that bothers me about the flat is the window-it sucks. Big time. Major failure. Questionable architect qualification. I’m very fond of large open windows and lots of natural lighting like my current room.

But as the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers.

That overused, earworm Frozen song

Many things happened in my life. All good, bad and in-between. And I’ve learned a lot from those experiences.

“The future is not determined by past experiences rather what you do with those experiences will determine your future”- Ha Nora, Twenty Again.

The only thing that I failed to learn since the last decade was to let go. This experience was stuck deeply somewhere in my brain, unable to be processed and eliminated. It has became a part of my reflex, a spontaneous mechanism.

An obsession.

Letting go. Easier said than done.

25

Happy birthday! You are 25 today. And it’s raining outside. Which is good. Because you love rain. Anyway, even though life is pretty much uneventful for the first 20 years (except those bullying bits), you have survived 5 years of dental school, twice major depressions, two years of suicidal thoughts and hallucinations, twice major failure which leads to a year of school extension, 10 years of one-sided love and 5 years of heartbreak during these past 5 years or so.

But fret not! You had learned to ride bicycle when you were six. You had a pretty good childhood friends (even though they turned upon you during later years but that’s okay), you knew how to ride a motorcycle at 12. At 13 you did ortho treatment which later many of people had praised your smile (just last week a nurse at the department had told that you have a nice smile).

At 16, you joined school choir by accident, but it had turned into one of the best moments in your life. The next year, the team competed in national level choir competition after winning the state level. The team did not win but it was truly an amazing experience.Your SPM result turned out quite good, 10 straight As (8A1, 2A2 darn add maths and EST).

During 18, you’ve met the most wonderful group of people and it changed your outlook in life (pretty much you turned a bit meaner but it became handy later in life, so it’s still a good change). Those friends became your bestfriends, the best kind of bestfriends. At 19, you cleared A-level exams with 2A 1B. And at 20, you entered dental school.

It’s a bit downhill since then but hey! Remember! Those hardships and obstacles have moulded you, to be who you are now. You’ve been beat up and battered around by life, but you have survived. You are a survivor! And you’ve passed dental school in First Class (which given your failure records, nobody actually expected that haha). And you had fulfilled your mother’s wish.

Yes, from now on, even in 50 years, you can still wonder why peoples are so pretty and where the hell did they got those clothes and shoes from. Just remember, be grateful for everything. And live well.

Living well does not equate living happily. Living well is experiencing every bad and good things life can offer. Living well is appreciating every single blessings bestowed upon us. Living well is fighting every single obstacles in front of us. Living well is tasting the bitterness and sweetness of life.

Living well is a way to live.

So, Husna, live well 🙂

A mechanic

Today, I went to the workshop. Scootie hasn’t been used for so long, I couldn’t start the engine. The worker pointed towards the owner uncle who, as always, sitting by the table at the corner.

“Uncle, I cannot start my scootie. I’ve called a few times but nobody picks up the call”

“Which number did you call?,” he asked.
I took out my phone and showed it to him. He read the number and said,

“He’s dead. My son.. Accident..”

The last time I went to the workshop was almost a year ago. Tbh, I was looking foward to meet him again. And the first thing I did when I entered the workshop today was looking for him. I was expecting to see him. But who knows I would receive this sad news today.

I broke down in tears when I reached home. I feel terrible for his father, for reminding him of his deceased son. And I feel sad for his death. He was a kind man, always smiling and very helpful. In fact, he is one of my few favourite peoples here in this town.

I always have this plan, to visit all my favourite peoples-him included-to bid farewell before I left for good. Who knows he left first.

Forever.

Dear Manu anna, I hope someday, somehow I can meet you again, to tell you how thankful I am, for you kindness.