A friend send a photo from her diary entry. The date was 6th June 2011. The entry is the name of our future daughter.
I laughed out loud, oh boy, the memories. I asked her if I can upload the photo on IG, just for fun, and she allowed me to do so.
When I was typing the caption, realization hits me.
I would probably will never have a chance to have a kid, let alone a daughter.
That is just how I feel.
Falling in love is difficult enough for me.
But everytime I did, it is always the wrong guy.
Finally it happened.
But to be honest, it is scary to even think about it.
Spending 10 years of my precious youth in unrequited love have tought me something,
never love more than you love yourself.
I’m older and wiser.
I can differentiate between fantasy and reality.
Between happening in my head and happening in front of me.
Sure, fantasy can bring happiness but it has the limit.
The line has to be drawn early.
Before I fell again in misery.
To have the ability to love again is a bless.
But now I know where the dream ends.
I got a job. Finally.
I’m working in a coastal town in East Malaysia. Resuming life as an anak dagang after approximately 7 and half months. Far away from my family.
I had an argument with Mak when I chose to work in this state. I know she is worried because;
1) like all mothers in the world, she’s worried the daughter is staying far away,
2) and the said daughter is moving out AGAIN after studying abroad for 6 years (plus 2 years in prep college+2 years in boarding school)
3) the daughter is still unmarried, so chances are, she has to remain there for an unknown period of time unless she resigned,
4) she really hoped I will settle down in my hometown, which I definitely will, but don’t know when.
I do feel guilty for making her worried. I have always been since I called her, crying and confessing I skipped Dental Material exam some 7 years ago. I have always feel like I’m a failure, the black sheep in the family.
Now I’m adjusting to working life and this city. So far, it’s good.
I’m hoping this new life in this new place will bring a new meaning for myself.
You know? That feeling when you know you are going to fail no matter what because of your mediocre performance during the interview, when you know you can actually do better but you falter and struggle to answer the question, because you totally misunderstood the question, when she actually asked such a simple question yet you stammer through and through, in front of eight panels and two other candidates?
Entering 2017 battered and broken.
Luckily I’m surrounded by my loud and boisterous family, that keeps me from crying at least.
A friend had said, my liking had became a bad habit. Waiting and trying to catch his attention which had proven futile over the years.
And a bad habit MUST be removed. No matter how painful the process is.
So, I ended up confessing for the second and last time to the same person. I did not wait for a reply, I had known the answer anyway.
I told him not to reply. It’s embarrassing enough to confess to the same person twice, it’s even more humiliating to read a rejection for the second time.
So, I blocked him on all social medias. This way, I won’t be able to wait and hope someday somehow he will notice me, because he will not be able to see any of my posts again.
This is the end.