After 3 years of absence, it made a comeback like a pop star.
“It” is what I called as ‘flashes of unplanned and unwanted suicidal thoughts’. It happened a couple of weeks ago for a few times without any warning, popped up in my mind for a split of second. At first I just ignored it, playing as if it is just a glitch in my neurons. But since a few days ago, the symptoms of depressions that I had experienced before started showing again. I started to loss interest in my friends, I forgot to eat regularly and I didn’t feel hungry at all until almost dinner time.
Believe it or not, appetite and hunger are quite a major sign in differentiating between just sadness or a depression, for myself at least. If I’m sad, I’ll eat a lot. But if I’m depressed, I’ll forgot to eat without any reason and wouldn’t feel hungry at all. And even if I eat, my meals consists of junk foods. A lot of salty junk foods. In fact I lost around 5-7kg within less than a month last year due to depression-which a lot, considering my height and weight.
It is actually funny in a depressing sort to see there is actually a pattern to my depression. It always happened around October/November. And I always have a few embarrassing habits around these times that of course I will not disclosed here. Hey, come to think of it, this might be contributed by the fact that my confession was rejected around this time 5 years ago. A-ha! Brilliant evil genius deduction but still stupid emotion at heart. Sigh.
Anyway, I have started colouring therapy to keep myself occupied from those unwanted thoughts. I went to a small grocery store last week and saw this cute 36 shades colouring pencils set(including gold and silver!). So I asked the shop assistant if they have colouring books. Then, there it was, a 100-something pages jumbo colouring book for kids-I don’t care if you called me childish, adult colouring books are freaking expensive.
I brought the book to work and instead of boringly scrolling nothingness on the phone while waiting for patients; I called my current hobby as an art. And in no time, I was totally absorbed in the colouring world. Funnily enough, my co-interns do sometimes asked me if they can do the colouring-even an intern that I barely knew.
I always keep my sanity level in check thus it will not spiralling downwards. It is hard enough to maintain at a socially acceptable level. Sometimes it slips but I’m trying my best to live well.