Sometimes I wonder if I’m not meant to be loved.

I wonder why people refused.

Am I bad?

Is my personality too nasty?

Am I not pretty? (Probably yes to this)

I thought I was so broken-hearted before, another rejection won’t break me.

Turns out my heart has an endless capacity to break.



Warning: Whining and self-pity mode ahead. Mild to moderate (offensive) words may be observed.

I feel useless today. Like a piece of shit. No. That’s insulting to shits. Even shits serves their reasons of existance; to be used in investigations of diseases, lump of waste to be expelled to not harming the body. Yes, bringing no harm is also a purpose.

I can’t helped but to feel anxious about my future. The uncertainty is biting and chewing me bit by bit.

Dear uncertainty, delicious isn’t it? My confidence?

The gloomy economic wheather looming over the country didn’t help either. All of my friends haven’t even get the call for interview, let alone the job.

The problem is we can’t practice if we didn’t get the license. And to get the license, we have to work for a year in public sector. And to work, we have to get the job. And to get the job, we have to get the offer. And to get the offer, we have to pass the interview. And to pass the interview, we have to be interviewed. And to be interviewed, we have to get the call for interview.

It’s a chain.

All of my friends are still waiting for the call. Some have been waiting for over 6 months.

I’ll be almost 30 when I start working later.


If only that bloody auto driver didn’t raise his voice for mere 5 rupees.

My Jumbo Colouring book

After 3 years of absence, it made a comeback like a pop star.

“It” is what I called as ‘flashes of unplanned and unwanted suicidal thoughts’. It happened a couple of weeks ago for a few times without any warning, popped up in my mind for a split of second. At first I just ignored it, playing as if it is just a glitch in my neurons. But since a few days ago, the symptoms of depressions that I had experienced before started showing again. I started to loss interest in my friends, I forgot to eat regularly and I didn’t feel hungry at all until almost dinner time.

Believe it or not, appetite and hunger are quite a major sign in differentiating between just sadness or a depression, for myself at least. If I’m sad, I’ll eat a lot. But if I’m depressed, I’ll forgot to eat without any reason and wouldn’t feel hungry at all. And even if I eat, my meals consists of junk foods. A lot of salty junk foods. In fact I lost around 5-7kg within less than a month last year due to depression-which a lot, considering my height and weight.

It is actually funny in a depressing sort to see there is actually a pattern to my depression. It always happened around October/November. And I always have a few embarrassing habits around these times that of course I will not disclosed here. Hey, come to think of it, this might be contributed by the fact that my confession was rejected around this time 5 years ago. A-ha! Brilliant evil genius deduction but still stupid emotion at heart. Sigh.

Anyway, I have started colouring therapy to keep myself occupied from those unwanted thoughts. I went to a small grocery store last week and saw this cute 36 shades colouring pencils set(including gold and silver!). So I asked the shop assistant if they have colouring books. Then, there it was, a 100-something pages jumbo colouring book for kids-I don’t care if you called me childish, adult colouring books are freaking expensive.

I brought the book to work and instead of boringly scrolling nothingness on the phone while waiting for patients; I called my current hobby as an art. And in no time, I was totally absorbed in the colouring world. Funnily enough, my co-interns do sometimes asked me if they can do the colouring-even an intern that I barely knew.

I always keep my sanity level in check thus it will not spiralling downwards. It is hard enough to maintain at a socially acceptable level. Sometimes it slips but I’m trying my best to live well.