Hot summer

This place is so hot.

My skin colour now is 2 tones darker.

Nowadays I looked like one of those people who wears thick make up but forgot to put some of those foundation on their hands as well.

It’s probably the right time to buy a new bedak.

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Coincidence? I wish not

So, one night, last week I was bored to death. I have no mood to watch dramas or reading novels. My favourite websites (Dramabeans junkie here) have no latest updates.

I scrolled Instagram, seeing and wondering why there are so many pretty ladies, why babies are cute, why everyone is getting married, why my crush didn’t update his Insta, if he posts a photo within the next 24 hours he is so gonna marry me hahahahaha you silly that’s totally not gonna happen even if you live for another 1000 years (yeah, I gave up on that idea, getting my heart broken for the last 10 years is enough, I have accepted that he will never return my feeeeelsss).

And yeap, within the next 6 hours or so, he did! I woke up next morning, laughing out loud (real LOL-ing). It was too funny.

So I told the story to my friend during clinic hours while my silly heart secretly wishing the same will happen again in the next 24 hours. And Brain, ever the reasonable one, chided Heart for the nonsense idea, afraid I will ended up feeling down if it doesn’t come true. And that night went as usual, I had forgotten Heart’s wish.

The next day, after my morning rituals, I checked my social medias and there he was, an update on Instagram.

I’m not sure, should I laugh or should I cry? It was too good to be true. I feel like life was playing some kind of cruel joke on me.

I realized this was all useless, this should be over by now, I should have put everything behind on the day he rejected me 6 years ago. My brother had once told me, it’s over once a guy told you he didn’t see you as a woman, he never will.

So, today I have decided to put an end to my 10 years obsession. I unfollowed him on social medias. I may regret this some day but I know I will be okay, like I’d been for the past decade.

And to you, S, if you ever read this post (which I doubt you will), goodbye and live well. I know one day you will be a great doctor.

I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. But life ain’t Notting Hill, and I’m not Anna Scott nor you are the handsome Will Thacker.

So, yeah.

Tipsy

I’ve been working out at the gym since about a month ago.

Now I understand why people loves gym.

It does makes you happy.

Science aside, I behaved like a drunkard everytime I got off the gym.

I started grinning without any reason. Singing in the public. Walking like a salaryman going home after drinking party (especially but not limited to leg day).

Old stuff

I was cleaning and packing my books when I found my old journal. The last entry was on July 2014. Apparently,  I unintentionally stopped writing in the journal after starting this blog.

It was not a long journal. It started around later half of 2010 when I first came here. I rarely wrote, there weren’t many entries (even this blog has more posts lol).

But reading the journal made me teared up a little. I can see a young lady longed for the love that will never be. The courage, the emails, the shattered hope. The loneliness, the moments, the 3 minutes 3 seconds call. The bitter dreams.

If I would sum up the journal in a word, it will be bittersweet.

Crap

Warning: Whining and self-pity mode ahead. Mild to moderate (offensive) words may be observed.

I feel useless today. Like a piece of shit. No. That’s insulting to shits. Even shits serves their reasons of existance; to be used in investigations of diseases, lump of waste to be expelled to not harming the body. Yes, bringing no harm is also a purpose.

I can’t helped but to feel anxious about my future. The uncertainty is biting and chewing me bit by bit.

Dear uncertainty, delicious isn’t it? My confidence?

The gloomy economic wheather looming over the country didn’t help either. All of my friends haven’t even get the call for interview, let alone the job.

The problem is we can’t practice if we didn’t get the license. And to get the license, we have to work for a year in public sector. And to work, we have to get the job. And to get the job, we have to get the offer. And to get the offer, we have to pass the interview. And to pass the interview, we have to be interviewed. And to be interviewed, we have to get the call for interview.

It’s a chain.

All of my friends are still waiting for the call. Some have been waiting for over 6 months.

I’ll be almost 30 when I start working later.

Sigh.

If only that bloody auto driver didn’t raise his voice for mere 5 rupees.