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Kenapa selalu termimpi orang yang tak pernah sudi?

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Piece of art

I keep telling myself to start working on the new essay but a real life walking and working piece of art keeps distracting me in the clinic. Few incidents between piece of art and a dear friend tops my funny and cute moments list. Plus my current read is an interesting work with -quoting a senior-“a racist title”. So I ended up spending a lot of my free time in the clinic, reading and stalking instead of writing. Haha.

Depression can go to hell, life is hella fun this week.

My Jumbo Colouring book

After 3 years of absence, it made a comeback like a pop star.

“It” is what I called as ‘flashes of unplanned and unwanted suicidal thoughts’. It happened a couple of weeks ago for a few times without any warning, popped up in my mind for a split of second. At first I just ignored it, playing as if it is just a glitch in my neurons. But since a few days ago, the symptoms of depressions that I had experienced before started showing again. I started to loss interest in my friends, I forgot to eat regularly and I didn’t feel hungry at all until almost dinner time.

Believe it or not, appetite and hunger are quite a major sign in differentiating between just sadness or a depression, for myself at least. If I’m sad, I’ll eat a lot. But if I’m depressed, I’ll forgot to eat without any reason and wouldn’t feel hungry at all. And even if I eat, my meals consists of junk foods. A lot of salty junk foods. In fact I lost around 5-7kg within less than a month last year due to depression-which a lot, considering my height and weight.

It is actually funny in a depressing sort to see there is actually a pattern to my depression. It always happened around October/November. And I always have a few embarrassing habits around these times that of course I will not disclosed here. Hey, come to think of it, this might be contributed by the fact that my confession was rejected around this time 5 years ago. A-ha! Brilliant evil genius deduction but still stupid emotion at heart. Sigh.

Anyway, I have started colouring therapy to keep myself occupied from those unwanted thoughts. I went to a small grocery store last week and saw this cute 36 shades colouring pencils set(including gold and silver!). So I asked the shop assistant if they have colouring books. Then, there it was, a 100-something pages jumbo colouring book for kids-I don’t care if you called me childish, adult colouring books are freaking expensive.

I brought the book to work and instead of boringly scrolling nothingness on the phone while waiting for patients; I called my current hobby as an art. And in no time, I was totally absorbed in the colouring world. Funnily enough, my co-interns do sometimes asked me if they can do the colouring-even an intern that I barely knew.

I always keep my sanity level in check thus it will not spiralling downwards. It is hard enough to maintain at a socially acceptable level. Sometimes it slips but I’m trying my best to live well.